what is my problem

I returned home from my mission 332 days ago, but whose counting right. I have been uncomfortably awkward at least since then. lately i have been feeling pretty proud of my self i felt like i had mad some progress, you know loosened up Little but no... i went to an institute dance tonight and my clear awkwardness came through quite clearly. I feel deathly uncomfortable at dances for some reason. and i don't even know what it is. over the past 11 months (to the day by the way) i have been forced to think about this. Is this a new occurrence? something that happens magically in the two years when you are asked to abide by a new more intense set of rules? does two years really make that big of a difference. here are my thoughts.
two years is a long time. defiantly enough time to make some serious habits. but 50 percent of lds men go on missions... lets examine the groups.
The first group step off the plane and could step right in to the arms of there old girl friend as if nothing was ever different. my opinion is these elders where not half as effective as they could have been while on their missions. two years of truly abiding my mission rules not only CAN change you it WILL change you ..there is no ifs ands or buts about it. i will give an example. try for one year to totally remove the word please from you vocabulary... don
t try and replace it with something... just take the whole idea of asking nicely out of you mind for two years..... then try and start up again over night.... it would be almost impossible... missionaries are to remove the whole idea of flirting from their mind for two years. and you are gonna tell me that just by removing a title and stepping off the plane you can restart that... i think not. not to mention flirting is defiantly a skill some are naturally better at it but anyone that practices can improve and any skill unused over along time weakens. the idea that a missionary comes home and has NO adjustment time disturbs me and lessens my view of their service.
now there is a group who Adjust but to it amazingly quickly. i believe there is a small group that adjust very quickly...like less then a month quickly. these "elders" often come home maybe a little awkward at first but tend to be married withing 6-12 months. there also seems to be some pretty intense permanent "change" in these elders ( i avoid the terms Damage or improvement) they are just different and apply missionary principles in new and frankly weird ways.... OYM's have a different meaning, the missionary purpose is quickly changed in their to mean they just need to get married.... SOON. basically they become permanent weirdos. i respect their flexibility and believe they where prolly great missionaries though probably kept their comps on their toes constantly changing and suggesting weird ideas.
then there is the average RM. any good guy that went on his mission and really focused on the task at hand, is gonna change .... a lot. they will become fidgety in situation that have no clear objective and even more fidgety if the the clear objective is to woo some beautiful daughter of our heavenly father. this is why you will find missionaries not interested not particularly interested in TV movies or even just shooting the breeze. some are very curious about what they missed but most find it to be a waste of time and not interestingly enough to spend 2 hours of there precious 16 hour day doing. these men in general will take 3-6 months before they adjust nicely. and while adjust does not ever mean lossing all that they have learned and changed in the two years of service... by the end of 9 months they stop saying things like, "i just got back from a mission" or "hi my name is eld... i mean _____" they have no problem sitting trough a two hour movie, and socially are very comfortable.
there is a small group of Returned missionaries that take alittle long to make the full adjustment. those who are less willing to let go. these elders may find something at home that they are able to replace missionary work with... for example work... they will focus all their attentions on one thing.. sacrificeing other large parts of civilian life in order to accomplish at times lofty goals. in the example of work they may choose to work 72 hour weeks (off on sundays of course) leaving no time for liesure, socializing, or other important parts of balanced well living. as they young people progress... nessacary activies begin to disrupt their 72 hour weeks.... forceing a more balance live style. they then make a full adjust ment. takeing many skills and lessons learned and applying them into life but returning to life all the same..
then, there is me. I am coming up on 1 year.. forceing me to wonder and i an anomly or am i back to the normal me. maybe my whole life i have been and uncomforably awkward as i am today... there is certainly some evidence to that.. i have not had a steady girlfriend let alone kissed any one. i had a good close nit group of friends they where very shrist like most of the time very even tempered you know the kind you see running around with the kids that are handicap... which leads me to wonder am i handicap and just don't know it... i mean those who are i am sure think they are just normal and that everyones is just alittle off.... maybe i am the guy at the dance all the girls warn each other about, "watch out for that guy he is a creepier." Maybe that is alittle extreme.

Welcome

so this is my first blog. truth be told i have not been to intrigued with createing my own blog but have often found my self reading, with great intrest, stranges, accantainces but usually good friends blogs. For that reason i decided i would set one up. i will not publicize it at this time nor asscociate my name with it.
that said i would like to give my self a nice big friendly bloggers welcome to the odd immpersonal world of blogging and say unto you, blog like and SOB. hopefully i will be able to use this as a way to work out some issues.